Recently I have been hearing and reading a lot about loneliness. You would think that in an age of unsurpassed technology we should be feeling more connected, not more isolated. Nevertheless, despite advances in communications technology, isolation and loneliness continue to persist. Perhaps it’s the illusion of connectedness that fools us in the first place. We have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook, it takes minutes to scroll through our contacts list on our smart phones, and we receive dozens of e-mails a day. Yet we can still feel all alone. Even when we are surrounded by people, we can feel alone in our experience.
A stay at home mom living in the “perfect” home on a cul-de-sac amongst other stay at home moms may feel all alone. A therapist who sees patients for hours at a time may feel all alone. A pastor serving a congregation day in and day out may feel all alone. Just because we are around others, does not immunize us from feelings of loneliness.
As a practicing psychologist, I often see the impact of loneliness on many of my clients who suffer from depression and anxiety. The sense of isolation is not only painful, but can be debilitating as well. Loneliness contributes to a negative sense of self and others, which can result in feelings of inadequacy, failure, guilt, hurt, and anger, and unconscious behaviors that push others away instead of drawing them in. Loneliness can also be extremely exhausting, particularly for those with mental health concerns, because most functioning individuals have to maintain a public appearance that “everything is OK.” For the most part, in our culture, it’s not acceptable to show “weakness” or even need. Wearing a “mask” everyday can be fatiguing and incur an increase in pre-existing disdain and hatred of one’s self. After all, none of us want to face the possibility that we could be impostors – that we have not achieved the expectations we perceive others have of us or the ones we have set up for ourselves.
For those of us unburdened by psychological difficulties, loneliness is a passing thought or emotional state. We have the capacity to pick up our phones and call a friend or we feel safe enough to disclose our vulnerabilities to a close circle of friends. In other words, we can access the parachute when we feel ourselves falling. However, for those individuals who struggle with anxiety or depression, most are aware of their current situation but feel there is a near insurmountable hindrance actively “swatting away” at their efforts to reach out for that parachute. In severe cases, they may believe the parachute isn’t even there, so why bother? Seeking professional help from a counselor is a true act of bravery and a first step towards reestablishing relational intimacy for these persons.
So, how can we support one another in our human quest for connectedness and belonging? First, use technology to serve your purposes, not the other way around. Skype with a friend, use the “off” button or the “do not disturb” function on your phone when you’re interacting face-to-face with people in your life, experiment with “electronics-free time” when you’re hanging out with your family or sharing a meal. Second, identify the people in your life who you want to maintain healthy, intimate relationships with as this will serve to be an important motivating factor. With this in mind, take an inventory of your schedule, and allot time to nourishing those existing relationships. Remember that mutual vulnerability is a critical component to removing those daily “masks” we put on everyday to face the outside world and allows us to interact with one another on a deeper level. (You may have to take the initial step!) Third, expand your community and social support network by finding other like-minded individuals who share your passions and give back to others. Discover your interests and gifts and find ways to volunteer. Serving other people jolts us out of our “me, me, me” bubbles, broadens our perspectives, and provides us the opportunity to find purpose and meaning in our lives and, if we’re fortunate, meet some interesting people along the way.
If you have questions or difficulties engaging in the suggestions above or if you’ve been experiencing depression, anxiety, or enduring and isolating feelings of loneliness, talk to a counselor today. They can help you on your journey towards greater connectedness.
A stay at home mom living in the “perfect” home on a cul-de-sac amongst other stay at home moms may feel all alone. A therapist who sees patients for hours at a time may feel all alone. A pastor serving a congregation day in and day out may feel all alone. Just because we are around others, does not immunize us from feelings of loneliness.
As a practicing psychologist, I often see the impact of loneliness on many of my clients who suffer from depression and anxiety. The sense of isolation is not only painful, but can be debilitating as well. Loneliness contributes to a negative sense of self and others, which can result in feelings of inadequacy, failure, guilt, hurt, and anger, and unconscious behaviors that push others away instead of drawing them in. Loneliness can also be extremely exhausting, particularly for those with mental health concerns, because most functioning individuals have to maintain a public appearance that “everything is OK.” For the most part, in our culture, it’s not acceptable to show “weakness” or even need. Wearing a “mask” everyday can be fatiguing and incur an increase in pre-existing disdain and hatred of one’s self. After all, none of us want to face the possibility that we could be impostors – that we have not achieved the expectations we perceive others have of us or the ones we have set up for ourselves.
For those of us unburdened by psychological difficulties, loneliness is a passing thought or emotional state. We have the capacity to pick up our phones and call a friend or we feel safe enough to disclose our vulnerabilities to a close circle of friends. In other words, we can access the parachute when we feel ourselves falling. However, for those individuals who struggle with anxiety or depression, most are aware of their current situation but feel there is a near insurmountable hindrance actively “swatting away” at their efforts to reach out for that parachute. In severe cases, they may believe the parachute isn’t even there, so why bother? Seeking professional help from a counselor is a true act of bravery and a first step towards reestablishing relational intimacy for these persons.
So, how can we support one another in our human quest for connectedness and belonging? First, use technology to serve your purposes, not the other way around. Skype with a friend, use the “off” button or the “do not disturb” function on your phone when you’re interacting face-to-face with people in your life, experiment with “electronics-free time” when you’re hanging out with your family or sharing a meal. Second, identify the people in your life who you want to maintain healthy, intimate relationships with as this will serve to be an important motivating factor. With this in mind, take an inventory of your schedule, and allot time to nourishing those existing relationships. Remember that mutual vulnerability is a critical component to removing those daily “masks” we put on everyday to face the outside world and allows us to interact with one another on a deeper level. (You may have to take the initial step!) Third, expand your community and social support network by finding other like-minded individuals who share your passions and give back to others. Discover your interests and gifts and find ways to volunteer. Serving other people jolts us out of our “me, me, me” bubbles, broadens our perspectives, and provides us the opportunity to find purpose and meaning in our lives and, if we’re fortunate, meet some interesting people along the way.
If you have questions or difficulties engaging in the suggestions above or if you’ve been experiencing depression, anxiety, or enduring and isolating feelings of loneliness, talk to a counselor today. They can help you on your journey towards greater connectedness.
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